Gold and Grey
by Lemon Drop Lie Detector
Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are not supposed to be together. They are supposed to be friends, and that is all. But Remus Lupin and Sirius Black have never been very good at following rules. A series of drabbles and oneshots. Rated T for language.
1. Never Again

_AN: Lately Remus/Sirius drabbles and oneshots have been popping up in my head like daisies, so I decided to write them all down and put them in one place. They don't go in order, or follow a particular story line, they just exist, in all their fluffiness. I try to stay as canon as possible, despite them being a non-canon coupl_e, _because I'm not a huge fan of AU, so if you notice any discrepancies from the books, please tell me. So yeah. Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: The lovely characters do not belong to me. It's too bad, but they probably wouldn't be as good if they did, so it's probably for the best. This is my disclaimer for the rest of this fic, so just remember. Not mine.**

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><p>We had been growing apart for months, really. And as the space between us grew, it was illustrated in the inches separating us as we lay in bed, and in the fewer and fewer kisses. I couldn't remember the last time we'd kissed properly. Now it was all pecks good morning, pecks goodbye, pecks good night, and I missed the taste of his lips when we weren't both already thinking about pulling away.<p>

I sighed and rolled over, pulling the worn sheet more securely over my thin, bare chest, and glancing over at the sleeping man beside to me. The space between us seemed to span miles, but when I noticed that he was breathing too quickly and moving too restlessly, I crossed it in a matter of seconds. I smoothed his soft hair away from his face and without thought leaned down to press my lips against his.

When I pulled away I realized that I hadn't done this in months. For a while I soothed him from his nightmares every other night. We would lie curled around each other, and when his breathing became ragged, I would stroke his face and kiss him gently and mutter reassuring words to him until he calmed down. But recently I had stopped noticing, and I hated myself for it.

Beside me Sirius' breathing returned to normal and he stilled, never waking. I lowered myself back down onto the pillows, and draped my arm over his chest, reveling in his distinct smell, which I hadn't bothered to notice in so long. Despite all the hatred and war surrounding us, I still loved this man and had been stupid to forget it. Never again, I told myself as I drifted off to sleep, never again.

When I woke up the next morning, the man I loved was gone. Lying on the nightstand was a piece of parchment with a two words written on it an extremely familiar scrawl.

"I'm sorry."

That was the last contact I had with Sirius Black for twelve years.


	2. Erised

_AN: I'm not all together satisfied with the writing of this, but I love the idea behind it, so bear with me. :)_

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><p>Dumbledore had asked if I could store a mirror for him at Grimauld Place, and obviously I had accepted, because it wasn't as though I was using the space. He said it was called the Mirror of Erised. He didn't say what it did, but I already knew. I remembered Remus telling me that he'd read about it. He had said that he wished it was that easy to know what you wanted out of life, and I had laughed because I couldn't imagine needing a mirror to tell me the deepest desire of my heart.<p>

I was sure Dumbledore had his reasons for wanting it in storage, and he probably didn't want people to use it. But of course I let my curiosity get the better of me, because the days when the world seemed so easy to figure out were long gone. I was no longer under the illusion that the world was divided easily into the good and the evil, I no longer trusted blindly, I no longer had a best friend I knew I could turn to for anything, and I no longer woke up next to the man I loved every morning. In short, I had learned that the world isn't quite as simple as I wanted to believe.

I pulled the covering cloth carefully off the mirror and choked when I saw the image reflected there. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it was not this. The reflections of Remus and myself kissed briefly as tears began to well in my eyes, and as I sank to the floor shaking, they laughed. Not at me, but out of sheer happiness.

I'm not sure how long I lay there before the door opened, but when it did I froze, afraid of who might be standing behind me.

"Sirius?" I sighed in relief at the sound of Tonks' voice. The only other Order member staying here right now was Remus himself, and that wasn't a situation I wanted to deal with. "Sirius, what is that?" I answered slowly, carefully,

"The Mirror of Erised." I was surprised at how steady my voice was.

"Oh… what does it do?" She walked forwards until she was standing directly in front of the mirror and her look of confusion deepened. "Sirius, why is Remus in here?"

I stood up faster than I would have thought possible.

"What? You see Remus in the mirror?"

"Yeah. What does it do?" I laughed shakily

"It shows you the deepest desire of your heart." Tonks turned bright red, and I swear her bubblegum pink hair darkened a few shades too.

"Oh. I- Umm… I'll just…" She turned quickly to go, and in her hurry she tripped over the corner of the rug and fell. I offered her a hand to help her up.

"Tonks, do you fancy Remus?" I hated the words in my mouth and I hated her silence, which was acknowledgement enough, even more. "He's not interested. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now because of his… condition. Doesn't want to put anyone in danger." She stared at me for what felt like ages before turning again and this time actually succeeding in running from the room. Before she left I caught a glimpse of tears in her deep brown eyes.

I felt the guilt falling squarely on my chest almost as soon as she left. Why had I said that? It wasn't even true. Yes, that had been one of the many excuses Remus had spouted off as to why he and I couldn't get back together, but I knew full well that he had other, more legitimate reasons. One of the main ones being that he wasn't living with his head stuck in the past as I was. So what right did I have to take away his chance at being with someone else? Perhaps he wanted to be with someone younger, more attractive, and female, someone like Tonks.

But no, I couldn't think about that. It was too painful. I turned back to the mirror, wrestling with the emotions that I usually did such a good job of stifling. I reached out a shaking hand to touch the glass, and for the last time, spoke words I knew would always be true.

"I love you."


	3. I Don't Know Anymore

_This one's a bit longer! The grammar and such might be a little rough, so I apologize for that. I hope you enjoy it! Also, if anyone has any ideas for oneshots, I'd love to hear them, and will do my best to write them._

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><p>I woke up with a start at the sound of an owl knocking on my window. As I rose slowly to let it in, I glanced at the clock and groaned in frustration. 4:30am. Perfect. I had gotten about four hours of sleep after returning home from a particularly far away job interview, and there was a full moon coming up too.<p>

I grumpily unlatched the grimy window of my one room apartment, and let in the equally grimy, and rather ruffled looking owl. It held out its leg impatiently with a mean glint in its eye and I untied the loosely rolled scroll of parchment as quickly as possible, to avoid getting pecked. As soon as I was done the owl flew away and I opened the letter, curious as to who had sent it. I recognized the handwriting as soon as I glanced at it, and sighed, I had known this was coming, but was still reluctant to face it.

_Dear Moony, _

_I've settled down and I am safe, so you can stop worrying. (I know you have been, you're Moony, after all) We need to talk, but I have to be careful about people finding me, so I've arranged a guide for you rather than telling you exactly where to find me. Come to Hogsmeade Station at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon unless you have somewhere else to be, in which case send me an owl with a better date. Please bring food. _

_I miss you,_

_Padfoot_

Beneath his signature was a muddy paw print, and I smiled in spite of myself. I had indeed been worrying, but I felt perfectly justified in that, seeing as one of my best friends was the most wanted man in the country.

I found myself wondering if I could come up with an excuse to postpone our meeting, but immediately dismissed the idea. I had known it would come, and I would have to face it.

OOO

3:00 found me standing awkwardly at Hogsmeade Station with a bag full of food, wondering how I would know who my guide was. But even as the thought crossed my mind, I noticed a big black dog lumbering towards me, tongue lolling out and tail wagging. I realized immediately that the guide was Sirius himself, and failed to suppress a chuckle.

I walked in the general direction of the dog briskly, not looking at it. Sirius must have realized that I intended to pretend I knew exactly where I was going, and turned around quickly, making sure to keep a generous amount of space between us, as he led me to wherever we were going. It was odd to walk through Hogsmeade again. I hadn't been here in a very long time. Though I had been teaching up at the school just last year, I had avoided it on account of the painful memories of wonderful days with the Mauraders, all of whom I had thought I had lost, one way or another. But there was one that was still left to me, and now I followed him through these streets, much as I had when we were boys. One of the many memories I had been trying to suppress last year began playing before my eyes as we passed the Three Broomsticks.

_"Come on Moony! I heard Zonko's has new merchandise!" I laughed, following my boyfriend a few steps behind. That word still caught me off guard, even now, a few months into our relationship. Sirius Black, one of the most popular and good-looking_ _boys in school was my _boyfriend._ I would never in a million years have guessed that things would turn out this way, but they had, and I was happier than I could ever remember being. _

_ "Padfoot, I swear you haven't changed at all since first year!" Sirius slowed down enough to grab my hand in his larger, rougher one._

_ "And you love me for it." He brushed his lips against my cheek and I blushed, nodding. That was another word that was still new to me. And I kept having to remind myself how true it was._

_ "I do, but you shouldn't do things like that in public." Sirius grimaced. _

_ "Fuck that," he muttered. But he dropped my hand anyway, and I knew that despite his complaints, he was scared of people finding out about us too._

I came back to reality as I realized we were leaving Hogsmeade and walking towards the large, rocky mountain that loomed over it. I watched as the big black dog before me climbed agilely up the quickly steepening slope, and wondered what was going to happen today. After everything that had happened I couldn't quite see how we could get back together. Was it too much to hope that Sirius would agree? Somehow I thought it might be.

The climb was long and wearing, but finally we reached a small crack in some rocks that led into a good-sized cave. Standing in the middle of the cave was Sirius, now transformed back into a man. I walked quickly across the stone floor to hug him and from the way his hands lingered too long on my back, I deduced that we would not be in agreement about the topic we were about to discuss.

"How are you?" I asked, slightly hesitantly.

"I'm alright. Hungry as hell, though. You wouldn't happen to have any food in that bag would you?" I smiled and handed it to him. It was full of as much food as I'd been able to find in my house, and some I had bought at the local muggle grocery before coming. Sirius pulled a roll from the bag at bit into it hungrily.

"Sirius, have you been eating at all?" I asked, suddenly concerned.

"Not much. Mostly rats. Occasionally I'll steal some food from Hogsmeade, but I don't want anyone getting suspicious." I was silent. There were a million questions I could have asked the man standing in front of me, for instance, what the hell he was doing in _Hogsmeade _of all places, but they all seemed fruitless. Whatever reasons he had, I knew he would stick by them.

"Moony… I'm sure you know why I asked you to come. I-" Sirius seemed to falter, searching for the right words. "The whole time I was in Azkaban I just kept thinking about how you thought I was guilty, and I couldn't stand it. I know things were rough between us before all this happened, Remus, but…" He stepped towards me, reaching out a hand to touch my face. I couldn't move. My brain was screaming at me to push him away, but some part of me wouldn't let me. His face was coming closer to mine, and just as I was about to force myself to pull away, he spoke again, "I still loved you then, and I still love you now." I blinked at him. To my surprise, there were tears welling in my eyes, and I looked away from him, finally able to step away, sinking onto the floor of the cave. Sirius didn't move or speak, he just watched me as I buried my face in my hands and forced myself to breathe. I had thought I could handle this, but it was all too much. I had let myself forget the extent of my love for this man once again. But still, that was in the past. My heart shouldn't be beating this fast, my palms shouldn't be sweating, and above all, I shouldn't have any trace of an urge to get up and kiss him senseless. But I did. I was like some pathetic schoolboy, and it had to stop. What Sirius and I had had was in the past now, and it would be foolish to continue with it. Too many things had changed.

"Padfo-" I choked on the name, a reminder of our past, "Sirius, I don't think… it would be wise to…"

"Fuck wise, Moony. This whole world is crazy. I'm on the run from the people I'm on the same side as, for killing my best friend, but the man who actually killed him is probably at Voldemort's side right now, because everyone thinks he is dead and innocent. I don't know what the hell is wrong with all of this," he gestured wildly at the world at large, "but the one thing I do know, is that I love you, and if you still love me, then there is no way in hell that we can ignore that." I stared at Sirius, surprised at his outburst. Finally, I spoke.

"Maybe I would agree with you Sirius, but-"

"For God's sake, Moony, call me Padfoot."

"Fine. _Padfoot_," the name still stuck awkwardly in my throat. I had been a very different man when I had used that name on a day-to-day basis. "But things have changed so much and- I- well…"

"If you don't love me anymore you don't have to beat around the bush, Moony. I'd rather you'd just be straight with me." I stared at him for a moment, waiting for what him to register what he'd just said. When he did he spoke hastily. "Oh God, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Now's not the time…" He looked at me desperately, searching for forgiveness in my face. When we'd been at school that had been our joke, which had carried into our adult years. It had started when James had said it to me accidentally and Sirius had gone off on a long, entirely joking rant about how if James couldn't accept his boyfriend's sexuality, he was afraid their friendship was over. The memories were somewhat painful still, but I forced myself to smile reassuringly at Sirius.

"It's alright. But, I'm afraid I can't quite 'be straight about it' in this situation because… well, I don't know anymore, Padfoot."

"What don't you know?" Sirius asked softly. I wondered if he honestly didn't know, or if he just wanted to hear me say it.

"If I still love you."


	4. Coming Out

_Hey look! Another chapter! And this one involves both fluff and a happy ending for once! Yay! Thank you to all of you who have Alerted/Favorited/Reviewed this fic, it really means a lot, and is inspiration to me to keep writing. :) However, I'm starting to run a little short in the ideas department, so if any of you have prompts for oneshots or drabbles or even freeverse, please leave them in the comments and I will do my best with them! Okay, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!_

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><p>"Are you going to tell us what's going on, or are you just gonna pace back and forth for a couple hours?" If I hadn't been so anxious I probably would've snapped at James. There was no need to be so rude. But instead I just turned my head towards my friends where they sat on Remus' bed. James' expression matched his tone, impatient and bored. But as always, I could see something underneath that, which said that if this was anything important he would snap out of it in a second and be here for me. I wondered if that would change when he heard what I had to say. My eyes skimmed over Peter, honestly not caring much how he felt, we had never gotten along too well, but I noticed that he looked confused and worried, as though a teacher was about to tell him off for something he didn't do. Finally, my gaze rested on Remus. His face was full of concern and patience, and he looked as though he would wait here all day for me if I needed him too. I could have kissed him, quite literally, and I turned my head away quickly, because I knew from experience that if I stared into those honey colored eyes for too long I would make a fool of myself.<p>

I cleared my throat awkwardly, and forced my feet to stop moving. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. My heart was hammering in my chest and I almost told them that I'd changed my mind, and it was nothing important, and they could just go do whatever they'd been doing, but I stopped myself. I had to tell them. These were my best friends in the whole world. These were the people who I trusted with everything, and who stood by me despite my awful heritage. I couldn't keep lying to them. "Guys, I'm gay." The moment I said it I looked down at the floor again, not really wanting to see the looks of surprise, disappointment, and disgust on their faces. I heard Peter squeak in shock, but the other two were silent. I stood there for what felt like ages before looking up slowly. To my surprise neither Remus' nor James' expression had changed.

"And…?" James asked, as though he was missing the point. I stared at him disbelievingly. Had he misheard me?

"Sirius, we've all known that for a long time," Remus said gently. I gaped at them, still not quite able to believe what I was hearing.

"We have?" Peter squeaked. James laughed,

"Duh Pete. Well, I'm glad you told us and all mate, but Lily's downstairs working on a Transfiguration essay, and it looked like she was having trouble. I'm going to go see if she needs any help." He winked, placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder for a moment, and walked from the room.

"Uh, I have to do that essay too, I think I'll go see if James can help me too…" Peter fled from the room, not quite looking at me. I watched him go in disgust, but I honestly didn't care much. I looked back at Remus, who still looked as though he was worrying about me. I smiled faintly at him, and collapsed onto my bed, which was next to his, burying my head in my hands. I didn't know why I was so shaky, or why my breathing hadn't returned to normal. I should be rejoicing, but I just felt confused. I had finally come to terms with who I was, but when I went to tell my friends, they had known longer than I had. This wasn't supposed to be a bigger deal for me than it was for them, was it?

I felt my bed shift as Remus sat down next to me. "Are you okay, Padfoot?" His voice was gentle and quiet. I laughed shakily,

"I guess I am."

"Really? Because it certainly doesn't look like it." Why did he have to care so much?

"Why wouldn't I be? You guys took that better than I could have even imagined." I could tell that my tone wasn't nearly as nonchalant as I meant it to be, and apparently Remus could too.

"Sometimes the way we think we should be feeling doesn't match the way we actually feel. I get it. That must have been really hard for you, and us not reacting the way you thought we would… it threw you off guard." I looked up at him. It seemed that he understood me better than I understood myself. That certainly did not help me stifle the growing part of me that was screaming to kiss him and confess my love for him in the sappiest way possible. Remus took a deep breath, as though preparing himself for something. "That was really brave of you, Sirius. I'm not that brave." His second sentence was quieter and hesitant. This time it was him who looked away.

"What do you mean? You would have told us about the whole werewolf thing eventually if we hadn't figured it out first." Remus frowned oddly.

"Maybe, but… but that's not what I meant." I looked at him, confused. Some part of me started to hope that this might mean what I thought it meant, but I stifled it quickly. That was stupid. Of course Remus wasn't gay. But then he was moving closer to me, and I could feel his breath on my face, and suddenly his lips, those lips that I had spent far more time dreaming about than I would ever admit to, were on mine. Before I could process it and kiss him back, he was pulling away. And now those expressive eyes were clouded with fear. Once a month he may be a predator, but now he looked like a scared rabbit, about to dart. I knew I couldn't let that happen. I reached out a hand, placing it gently on his leg.

"Was that just a clever coming out strategy, or…?" I left the question open, trying my best to smile at him encouragingly, but my heart was leaping into my throat, making it difficult to concentrate on my expression. He shook his head nervously, but when he spoke it sounded as though he had decided to throw caution to the wind, because he didn't sound scared any more.

"No, it wasn't. Perhaps I should get better at phrasing my kisses. It was actually supposed to say something more along the lines of…" he paused for a second, looking deeply in my eyes, as though trying to read something there. "'Will you go out with me?'" I couldn't help but grin.

"Incase you need help translating, this one means, 'Yes.'" I leaned forward and our lips met once more.


	5. Too Soon

_I'm back! I know it's been ages... Sorry about that. School started and it kind of got in the way. But I started this before school started and tonight I decided to finish it instead of working on Pre-Calc. Which was probably a bad decision, but you guys got a chapter out of it. This is the longest one yet! It's also probably one of the saddest and among the most poorly written in places... So sorry about that. But I hope you still enjoy it! Just to be clear, I do think that Remus and Tonks should be together, but I don't think the idea would have occurred to Remus at all yet. But this is the farthest I'll go into their relationship in this fic. Also, like I've said before, if you guys have any ideas for chapters, please tell me. __It would probably help me a lot in getting another chapter up faster. Thanks again for reading you guys! It really means a lot! :)_

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><p>The empty kitchen seemed to be echoing with his jovial laughter, as though he had been standing behind me a moment before. The reality of the fact that he was gone seemed to still be in the process of occurring to me. You would think that, having watched him die, I would be able to process the information. But it just didn't seem possible to me. James, Lily, and now Sirius. Was it possible for anyone I loved to survive? For a moment my mind flashed to Peter, for I had loved him too at a time, but no, he was dead to me now as well. Of course, the nature of my love for Sirius was never the same as my love for James or Lily or Peter. True, he had been my best friend, but I had never seen him as a brother. Even after he went to Azkaban, those feelings never really changed. I just taught myself how to hide them. And now I would never be able to fix that. I would never hear his barking laugh again and I would never again see that mischievous glint in his grey eyes. My throat tightened painfully, and I swallowed, tired of crying.<p>

"Remus?" Tonks had come in behind me without me noticing, and I sighed at the sound of her voice. Not that I didn't enjoy her company, but right now I didn't really want anyone's company. I turned my head to look at her, not trusting myself to speak. "Are you okay?" I didn't even know how to begin to answer her. Slowly I just shook my head, because, quite obviously, I wasn't. It seemed that she had taken this as invitation to sit down, because she pulled out the heavy wooden chair next to me, and took a seat. "This must be really hard for you. You really loved him, didn't you?" I choked. How could she have known?

"Wha- what do you mean?" I asked hastily. She looked confused.

"I mean, he was your best friend, wasn't he?"

"Oh," I said awkwardly. "Yeah, he was." She frowned at me for a moment, and then seemed to pass it off as grief.

"You know what you need?" she asked brightly, "A warm drink." I didn't respond, unable to see how that would help, but not wanting to sound rude. She took my silence as acceptance, and bounced up, hurrying to the stove. If I had been in a better condition, I probably would have thought about how potentially disastrous this situation was, but as it was I just let my head sink onto my arms, and tried to ignore the way my body seemed to be entirely empty.

A few moments later she returned to the table, two steaming mugs clutched in her hands. She put one down in front of me and stumbled slightly as she did, slopping some of the liquid over the side of the mug. I only noticed when some of the scalding beverage splashed on my hand. I looked up and wrapped my hands gingerly around the mug, before raising it to my lips robotically. But when I realized that the drink was not tea as I had suspected, but was actually hot cocoa, I choked and jerkily placed the mug back on the table, splashing more cocoa. Part of me wondered how she had known that I had always used hot cocoa to feel better, but most of me was being swamped by painful memories of Sirius grinning, presenting me with a mug of my favorite drink and cracking jokes, trying to make me smile after particularly painful full moons, or of sitting in silence with him drinking it, clutching at the simple comfort of each other's presence after losing Order members in the first war. Tonks frowned again.

"What's wrong? Is it too hot?" I tried desperately to process her words and produce a reasonable response through the emotion washing over me.

"No, I, er… thought it was… tea." As I heard the words leaving my lips and entering the air, I realized how rude they sounded, but figured it was too late to take them back. Tonks looked a little affronted.

"Would you rather tea? I could-" I cut her off hastily

"No, no. It's fine, I'm not really thirsty anyway." I pushed the mug a little further away from me, as if distance could erase my knowledge of what it held.

"Oh. Okay…" Tonks seemed to be grasping at words, trying to figure out how to recover from her failed attempt at comforting me.

"Thanks, though, Tonks. That was really sweet of you. It's just… well, it's a long story." She looked intrigued.

"Well, you could tell me. I have time." I tried to think of someway to avoid the situation.

"I really don't think that would help much right now… I'd rather just not think about it." Of course, there was no way I could stop thinking about him. There were far too many memories and regrets to try to forget. I didn't even want to forget.

"Well… we don't have to talk." Tonks' voice was softer now, I looked at her and started. Her face was inches from mine. I instinctively moved away from her and immediately her face fell. Only then did I process what those movements had insinuated. Was Tonks… flirting with me? I looked down at the table again, trying to think of something to say.

"I'm sorry Tonks, I just really need to be alone right now." She frowned, looking deeply hurt. I hated to see her like that. She was, after all, a downright lovely person, despite being a bit overly forward and bubbling at times.

"I just thought it might help… to be with someone. You know, with everything…" My grief-clogged brain was having trouble figuring out exactly what she meant. All I knew was that she looked miserable and, if I wasn't mistaken, she had just tried to kiss me. I shook my head slowly.

"It won't. Not right now." I paused before continuing, hoping I wasn't misreading her signals, "It's too soon, Tonks. I'm sorry."

"Too soon?" She looked up from the table, where she had been staring dejectedly. "Too soon after what?" Dammit. Why had I said that? I couldn't see a way I could talk my way out of this, so I decided to be honest. The idea was terrifying, and it took quite a while to dig the words I needed from my throat. Even so, they were slow coming. Slower than Tonks had patience for.

"Just… with Sirius..." But Tonks cut me off,

"Sirius? What does Sirius have to do with anything? I realize you're upset Remus, but surely if you don't want to be with me you can come up with a better excuse than that!" I just stared at her, unsure how to proceed. I hadn't expected her to be angry, of all things. And how could I explain to her just how much Sirius had to do with everything? She seemed to catch her self though before I could speak. "I'm sorry. I just… I've wanted to talk to you about this for a long time and I know I picked a really bad time I just really want this to work because I can't stop thinking about you ever and-" Tonks seemed incapable of stopping to draw a breath, so in interest of her survival, I put a hand on her shoulder and began to speak.

"I had no idea you felt that way, Tonks. But I think you'll find that Sirius actually does have quite a bit to do with it. I'm sorry." Tonks' cheeks were flushed from her outburst and her next words were quiet and breathless,

"What do you mean?" I sighed, resigning myself to explaining. I hadn't spoken about these things to anyone but Sirius since Lily and James died. No one else had known. I searched for the right words, but finally gave up, figuring I would make it up as I went along. Nothing was going to make talking about this easy. I could only hope that I wouldn't cry, though that seemed unlikely in my current condition.

"When we were at school, Sirius and I were… together." I tried to ignore the look of shock on Tonks' face as I continued, ending up staring at the table again, "In our sixth year Sirius came out as gay to James and Peter and I and…" I gulped desperately at the tears in my throat, hating that I couldn't think of happier times without being miserable, "I had realized a few months earlier that I was bisexual and that I was in love with him. So we… um… started dating." The tears weren't fightable now. They streamed down my face as I somehow kept talking. "We were together the rest of the time we were at Hogwarts, and continuing out of Hogwarts too. No one but James and Peter and Lily knew, everyone else thought we shared a flat out of convenience. But… We never broke up. One morning he was just gone. There was a note beside the bed that said he was sorry and I thought… I really thought he had killed them. So I tried to stop loving him and I thought I had succeeded but… It was harder than I thought… And when he came back I realized that I still did and he told me that he had kept loving me the whole time he was in jail but I couldn't… I told him we couldn't get back together. So we didn't. But that was so stupid of me… So stupid…" I finally looked up at her, trying to regulate my choppy breathing. She was just staring at me with a look of horror. It occurred to me that I had no idea what any of the members of the Order's opinions were on gay people and I immediately began regretting my decision to tell her. I tried to get myself together enough to make a speedy get away. "So… that's why… It's too soon. Sorry." I got up but she grabbed my hand,

"Remus, wait. Where are you going?"

"I shouldn't have told you any of that… I should just go…" I pulled away but she held on.

"No! I mean, I don't care that you're bi. I'm just surprised." I stopped pulling away, but didn't walk back to my seat. I just watched her as she tried to process the information. "So… you still loved him?" she asked quietly. I nodded wordlessly, though I wasn't sure I agreed with her use of the past tense. "I'm so sorry Remus," she looked genuinely sympathetic, but I noticed she still hadn't let go of my hand. I pulled it away gently.

"I should go Tonks. I am sorry." This time she didn't stop me as I walked away.


	6. Vulnerable

_A/N: Hey I'm back again! This one is a two-parter. Hopefully I will have the second part up tomorrow. As always I apologize for any rough spots or grammar fails, I do my best to proofread but I don't have a beta. I have been trying to switch back and forth between POVs, but for this one it seemed more natural to have Remus tell this part and Sirius tell the next one. I don't think that would bother anyone but me or that anyone would even notice but I thought I'd mention it anyway. So I hope you enjoy this! Thank you so much for your reviews, alerts and favorites!  
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I really was trying to focus on reading the book in front of me. But concentrating was made difficult by a number of things, including the sound of Sirius breathing beside me, the way his thumb was lazily tracing circles on the back of my hand, the sleepy warmth of the sunlight, and the quiet sound of the lake splashing against the shore nearby. When I had reread the same sentence for the tenth time I finally gave up, lowering the book to the ground and turning my head to my boyfriend, delighting in the way the grass tickled my ear. Normally we wouldn't feel safe being so obvious about our relationship on the grounds, but with almost the entire school in Hogsmeade we were feeling a bit bolder.

Sirius looked so beautifully peaceful with his eyes closed and his face relaxed. It was rare to see him looking so vulnerable, but to my delight, I had been seeing more and more of this side of him recently. I inclined my head towards him, close enough to brush a quick kiss against his slightly stubbly cheek. His eyes opened slowly, a smile stretching across his features. He turned to face me, and kissed my lips softly and quickly. We stayed like that, noses almost brushing, and I was positive there was nothing in the world more beautiful than the grey of his eyes. It was one of those moments that seemed impossibly simple. I wasn't Remus Lupin, the bisexual werewolf, I was just a boy who was in love. It was easy and natural and the kind of happiness I had never experienced until Sirius became part of my life. I reveled in it.

"Eugh. I can't believe I was right!" Sirius and I sat up in unison, hands snapping apart and heads turning to the source of the disgusted voice. "Just wait until mother hears about this. Not only are you a Gryffindor and a blood traitor but you're also _gay_."

Sirius had sprung up, pulled his wand out, and was inches from Regulus before I could so much as move. "You better not even think about telling her, you disgusting slimy brat," Sirius growled dangerously.

"And what are you going to do about it?" Regulus taunted.

"You know perfectly well I am capable of cursing you into oblivion," Sirius snapped.

"Sirius." I spoke his name quietly, hoping to remind him to keep his head.

"See Sirius? Your _boyfriend_ doesn't want you to hurt me." Regulus drew out the word 'boyfriend' as though it was something repellent and shameful. That was too much for me. Being able to call myself Sirius' boyfriend was one of the few labels applied to me that I had never once been ashamed of. No one could tell me to feel differently.

I stood up calmly, pulling my wand out of my pocket. "No, I just wanted to make sure he knew I was going to help him."

"As if a pair of pansies like you could hurt me," Regulus goaded.

The progression of curses that followed was far too numbered and varied to be recorded, but by the time Regulus crumpled to the grassy ground he was looking considerably worse for wear. Sirius stood over him, scowling, and pointed his wand at him one last time.

"Obliviate." He paused for a moment and then added spitefully, "Git." He turned and walked towards the water, his face hard. I followed him without hesitation and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind. He didn't move.

"I know that look, Padfoot. " I paused. I still hadn't perfected the art of talking to him in moments like these and I was very conscious of the fact that we had no way of knowing when Regulus would regain consciousness. "I know you're upset, so there isn't much point in pretending not to be, okay?" Sirius remained quiet. I placed a kiss gently on his neck, holding him a little closer to me.

"Don't do that here, Moony. We have to be more careful." His voice was detached. He grabbed my wrists, opened my arms enough to get out and walked away from me, towards the castle, pausing only to tread on his brother's fingers.

I sighed and bent to retrieve my book. I wondered if Sirius would ever trust me with the emotions he hid at times like these. Sometimes it seemed completely hopeless, but I knew I would keep trying. It would take more than this for Sirius to get rid of me.


	7. Freaks

_A/N: Here's the second part! It took a bit longer than I was expecting, but I think it also turned out better than the first one, so I hope it was worth the wait. As always, thank you so much for your reviews, favorites, and follows. It honestly means so much to know that other people are enjoying these. _

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><p>Words cannot express how much I hated my little brother in that moment. Every insecurity, every doubt, every fear I had ever had had all been dredged up and it was all because he couldn't keep his stupid nose out of my business. When had I ever bothered him about what ratty little Slytherin girls he chose to shag in broom cupboards? Why should it be any different for me? I wasn't even shagging Remus. Just kissing him rather a lot. <em>But it <em>is _different, _some snide little voice muttered in the back of my head. _He's a boy. Loving him is just one more reason why your family should hate you. _

By this time I had reached the front doors of the school. I swung them open and slammed them viciously shut behind me as if it was the hinge's fault I was attracted to the wrong sex. I was sure Remus was following me, but I couldn't face him right now. The Sirius he had fallen in love with was not this mess of anger and insecurity. I couldn't risk him realizing that I was much weaker than he had originally thought.

"Padfoot!" he called out insistently behind me. I increased my pace. I didn't know how much longer I could hold it together, and when I started crying I did _not_ want my boyfriend to be there. "Padfoot, please just talk to me," he pleaded. His voice sounded closer now. From the sounds of his footfalls he was jogging to catch up, and his legs being as ridiculously long as they were, I really had no chance of outrunning him. I stopped and turned to face him, gritting my teeth in an attempt to stay in control of my expression.

"Now's really not a good time, Moony." It was a miracle that my voice didn't crack.

"Exactly. Look, if I told you I needed to be alone I would expect you to respect that so maybe this is really awful and hypocritical of me, I don't know, I'm not that good at this whole relationship thing yet, but you don't like being alone, Padfoot. When you're alone you just stew and get angrier and angrier and it does you absolutely no good and as far as I can tell I'm supposed to be the person who you can trust to be there when you can't keep being strong and I really, really want to be that person for you." Remus stopped, looking as though he wasn't sure he had said what he wanted to, but had run out of words. Merlin was he cute when he rambled. For a second I almost forgot to hate myself for loving him. But then it was back and I turned away, not letting myself get lost in his gold eyes and the soft features of his face.

"I can't-" Now my voice broke. I tried to swallow, keeping the tears that now seemed inevitable at bay. But when I opened my mouth I lost the little control I had. As I gulped at the air, tears streaming down my face, Remus gently took my hand and led me to the nearest empty classroom. He locked the door behind us, before turning to face me.

"You don't have to be afraid of me leaving you, Sirius." His voice was soft as he stepped closer to me, a hand extending to cradle my cheek in his palm. His roughened thumb brushed a tear from my cheek and at least for that moment, I believed him. He opened his arms to me and I stepped into them, allowing myself to break, engulfed in the distinct, soapy smell that was Remus.

Crying, I decided, was really gross. But once I started, it took me ages to stop. By the time I had, Remus' shoulder was soaked in my tears and snot, which was even grosser than the crying itself. I didn't move from his arms as my breathing grew steadier. I wasn't sure I remembered how to stand without him supporting me. He didn't move either, besides his hand, which was probably raw from the length of time he had been rubbing my back. It still felt nice though. In fact it felt wonderful. I realized I had never cried in someone's arms. Crying was far too shameful of a thing to do in front of anyone. Now I didn't have the energy left to be ashamed.

"I wish I could protect you from this, Padfoot." I could feel the puff of Remus' breath as he whispered into my neck. I shook my head stiffly.

"That's not your job." Remus moved far enough away from me so he could look in my eyes.

"No, it isn't. But you have to understand that if I could do it, I would make it my job." He looked away for a moment, wetting his lips nervously, and seeming to search for the right words. "You are really important to me, Sirius. And if my job can't be protecting you, I would really like it to be being here for you. Not just now, but every time you feel like this. And don't try to tell me you've never been this upset before, because I know for a fact that isn't true. But I can't be here if you don't let me. " I couldn't respond at first. I was too mad at him for being so perfect, and too scared to tell him how much this meant to me. And there was still that part of me that hated that I loved him, which I hadn't quite managed to tuck away again, under memories of kisses and hand holding and midnight walks. I sighed.

"Moony, if I told you what I was thinking right now, you wouldn't want to be here." Remus raised his eyebrows.

"I don't think you realize how pathetically in love I am with you, Padfoot. Honestly, I would still want to be here if you told me you were shagging some other bloke behind my back." This time it was my turn to look incredulous. "I mean I'm not saying I wouldn't be mad… But I would be far more focused on your happiness than mine." The crazy thing was, I believed him. Remus was just like that. Impossibly selfless and kind, while all I could think of was my own bloody problems.

"Fuck, Moony. You know I love you, right?" His face lightened a bit at this. It amazed me that he still seemed surprised and delighted every time I reminded him of this fact. He nodded, and, though I hadn't been planning on it, I continued. "That's why I'm so upset."

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning. I looked away, fixating on a random point over his shoulder, and began to speak.

"Sometimes I just hate loving you. I hate that you're a boy, but I'm still turned on by your collarbones, and melt when you laugh. I hate that no one will ever accept our love because it shouldn't exist. Sometimes I just feel like… we're freaks of nature." When I was done talking I met his eyes again, and the pain there broke my heart. I immediately began cursing myself for telling the truth. Really, honesty never did me any good. "I'm sorry Moony," I muttered. "I shouldn't have said anything." Remus quickly shook his head.

"No, I'm glad you did. I know how you feel. I mean, I guess it's a bit different, because I really _am_ a freak of nature…" He trailed off, and I was about to protest, telling him he wasn't a freak, he was beautiful, but he continued before I could. "But all the same, it doesn't matter. We are what we are, however fucked up that is, and I don't know about you, but I've never been happier." His voice had risen in volume a bit and he looked me squarely in the eyes. I didn't think of Remus as being a very confident person, but when he _was_ confident, arguing with him seemed extraordinarily pointless. There was absolutely no way you could win, because the second he spoke, you were already doubting your point. Really, he was right. There was no purpose in hating what I was. And I _was_ happy. Merlin was I happy.

Telling him he was right seemed rather redundant, because of course he already knew it, so instead I kissed him. My nose was running and my mouth was sticky from crying, so really it was a disgusting kiss, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered. He tasted perfect and his short hair felt wonderful under my fingers and our noses kept bumping together and no matter what labels you put on us, that wouldn't change.


End file.
